Topsy-Turvy
"So, you are into open relationships, huh?" He folds the pillow into two and tucks it under his left armpit.

"I am not into anything. I study open relationships and all aspects of cheating--mostly the social and psychological ones."

I roll my pillow too, and stuff it under my right arm. We are now facing each other, naked, sweaty, and grinning.

"Great. I have a story for you--about that 'psychological aspect', whatever it is."

"Go ahead. But trust me, I've heard them all."

"Don't rush to judgment, baby. The beginning is boring though, so bear with me."

All right, I'll listen to another one of those "he cheated, she suffered, or she cheated, he suffered" tales. Nothing Tolstoy and Shakespeare haven't told me already. But it's a lazy, hazy, crazy Sunday afternoon, so why not?

"I'll call these guys Jane and Tom, okay?"

"How original. Yeah, sure, okay."

"Jane and Tom met in college, fell in love, dated for a few years, and decided to get married. A couple of months before the wedding she found out Tom had cheated on her--screwed some common acquaintance after a party. The girl felt bad and told Jane. What do you think Jane did?"

"Are you expecting me to say she dumped him? Neh, I know this story. She decided to 'work it out', married him anyway and came to regret it. I told you, I've heard it all before."

"And I told you not to rush to judgment. Well, you are right on the 'work it out' account. Jane took Tom to a shrink. The counselor talked to both of them but wanted a couple of one-on-one sessions with each. After seeing Tom a few times, she called Jane and delivered the verdict. The shrink didn't think she could do all that much. Apparently, she specialized in this whole monogamy vs. open relationship issue--just like you--and felt Tom was not likely to remain monogamous. She told Jane some men don't just need sex--they need sexual variety. They want to bed different women and rarely manage to remain faithful to their spouses. It was possible, but she wouldn't bet on it. She saw these men every day and knew the breed."

"Are you trying to tell me Tom admitted all that?"

"Um, no. He felt sorry and was ready to swear he wouldn't do it again, ever. He said he'd change and believed what he said. He loved Jane and wanted to go on with the relationship. Jane was ready to believe him, of course, but the therapist was smarter. That's why she asked for a few one-on-one sessions with him. She felt certain Tom would stray again as soon as the 'hot' stage of the relationship was over, in a couple years' time, at the most."

"That's some daring therapist."

"Apparently, she knew what she was talking about and wanted to make sure Jane realized what she was getting into. By the way, she also told Jane that Tom loved her. He would make a good husband and father--overall, he was responsible and trustworthy. But ... he would occasionally want some sex on the side. Jane had to make her decision soon, before the wedding. Believe it or not, Jane decided that she loved Tom and still wanted to be his wife. She would agree to marry him, but the marriage would have to be open. He'd have to tell her about his 'adventures' on the side and, as long as it was just sex, she'd live with it. Oh, and she would tell him about hers. Jane didn't want to sleep with other men and had no plans to do so in the future, but an open marriage is an open marriage--they had to agree on these terms at least in theory. And they did."

"Listen, it's all good and well, and I am happy for Jane and Tom, but I study open marriages--such stories are a dime a dozen." I scoot closer and run my finger along his stomach. I can think of a few more interesting things to do than discuss the problems of Janes and Toms.

"No, wait, the most interesting part is still ahead. Give me five more minutes."

"Okay." I suppress a sigh.

"So, Jane and Tom lived together for a few years. He strayed almost every year, sometimes more than once. But he always confessed, and it was never anything more than sex. He just had to scratch an itch. They had a good life together, believe it or not. Tom loved Jane dearly and never hesitated to show it. She was his one and only, and she knew it. Over time she got used to his 'sexcapades'--she thought of them as bouts of some annoying but harmless disease, like the flu. 'Ah, Tom caught the bug again; it's okay, he'll recover in no time.' That kind of thing. After a while, it didn't even bother her. Then, one day, Jane felt like cashing that old check. You know, her bonds had matured."

"Huh?" I know exactly what he means. I just want him to stop throwing these financial terms around all the time.

"Oh, you know exactly what I am talking about, Miss Smiling Fox. Jane met some guy at a conference. She liked the man, but, more importantly, felt due for some fun of her own. Without hesitation, she jumped into bed with him and reported the incident to Tom as soon as she came home. Guess what? Tom didn't talk to her for three days. He looked ashen; his blood pressure shot up. He lost his appetite. The guy was a mess. Every time Jane tried talking to him, he barked back that he didn't want to discuss the matter. After three days he came to his senses and told Jane that, in theory, she had every right to do what she did. He couldn't argue with her or even tell her not to do it again--a deal's a deal. However, he didn't feel like touching her. Oh, I should mention that Tom and Jane had a sparkling sex life; it was one of the highlights of their marriage. They did it at least three times a week and they did it well. Now it all came to a screeching halt. After a month of sexual drought Jane lost almost 10 pounds. She was absolutely miserable without his touch. Tom finally had sex with her in a few weeks, and after a while things were back to normal. A few months later Tom cheated again and, as always, told Jane all about it. She tried to make a joke out of it. Like, she should just stop talking to him and refuse to have sex for a month. Tom looked annoyed and shot back that nobody forced her to talk to him. He won't rape her either. If she doesn't feel like it--fine. Jane bit her tongue. A conflict with a man she loved was not in her plans. Have I bored you yet?"

"No, this is actually interesting. Shakespeare is nervously smoking in the corner."

"See? I told you. Anyway, a few more years went by. Tom continued to stray, although not too often, and always admitted everything. He was also careful not to jump into some full-blown affair--he did love Jane and had no desire to cause problems. In fact, he was one of the best husbands around. He spoiled her. All was great until one day--"

"She did it again."

"You guessed it. Jane met some hot Latino guy at her girlfriend's beach house and couldn't resist. She told Tom as soon as she returned. The same thing happened, more or less. He could barely bring himself to look at her for a few days and didn't touch her for over a month. Jane offered another trip to a shrink, but Tom refused. He said there was no need. He knew Jane was right and he wasn't being fair; he just couldn't help it. He was all for equality between them, but every time he thought of Jane with another man, he turned into an animal, suffocating from jealousy and rage. He didn't even care whether it was 'just sex' or something more serious. It took all his willpower to restrain himself from choking Jane or killing that Latino guy."

"A typical man."

"Jane figured as much. She did some research on the Internet, read a few articles on the topic, and found out that males and females have different biological programming. The evolutionary forces compel men to impregnate as many females as possible. The same evolutionary forces coerce a woman to choose the best available man, someone who would not only have children with her but help her raise them. Men are programmed to be jealous because if a woman is unfaithful, they don't know who the father of their child is. Anyway, Jane realized it wasn't worth it. Equality and fairness were out--for biological reasons."

"Oh, give me a break." I can never keep my mouth shut when talk about fidelity jumps to biology and evolution. "Biology is the excuse for everything these days. Yes, lions may not be monogamous. But a lion doesn't tell his lioness he's out hunting only to go to the next safari and screw another lioness. You can't have it both ways--either act "biologically" and be honest about it, or accept the restraints of the modern society. You know, this Tom is not a very sympathetic figure. He annoys the hell out of me, and I am not even married to him."

"I don't disagree, but keep in mind that Jane accepted him like that. She played by his rules for years."

"That's true. People do whatever they can get away with. So, what happened next?"

"Jane believed everything she read and accepted the situation. However, when Tom strayed again, she got mad."

"No kidding."

"Yep. She was enraged; she felt powerless. Why could she put up with it while he couldn't? Biology be damned. So, she didn't talk to him for a couple of days and went to sleep in another room. She didn't last though--she loved him."

"Pfff. Okay, never mind. What did he do?"

"He didn't do anything. Tom's not stupid; he understood. He also knew Jane wouldn't be mad for long. Everything was back to normal in a few days. After that Tom stayed faithful for quite a while. Jane almost forgot about the whole ordeal."

"Forgot?"

"Well, it's not like your period--you don't expect it at a certain time. They had other things on their mind. First she lost her father, then Tom's brother went bankrupt.... Anyway, after about a year Jane accidentally found a hotel receipt in Tom's pocket while doing laundry. She immediately knew what happened. Tom picked up another girl and had a short fling with her but decided not to tell Jane about it. It was easier that way. Eventually, Jane cheated again too--and did everything in her power to prevent Tom from finding out."

"Wait, how do you know about all this?" The sweat has evaporated from the top of my body and I am suddenly cold.

"That last man she slept with is yours truly. We started talking about being discreet because, God-forbid, if our spouses found out.... I said if my wife knew, she'd leave me immediately, wouldn't even listen to any explanations. Jane responded that she wasn't worried about her husband leaving but didn't want to tax his nervous system. Naturally, I asked what she meant. She told me this story."

"Okay...." I pull the blanket to my shoulders. "So, how does this story end?"

"Nothing much happened after that. They are now like everyone else. They've a decent marriage and pretend they couldn't care less about other people. Their sex life is still pretty good--no complaints. She's pretty sure he sleeps with other women every once in a while but has no desire to know the details. We don't know what Tom thinks, but he doesn't ask questions. Maybe it's all for the better."

"So, you think lying is the best option."

"Who said anything about lying? If a monogamous relationship is not in the cards, the 'don't ask-don't tell' version is the second best. I don't lie to my wife; she's smart enough not to ask questions. Same with Jane and Tom. They had an open marriage, and they closed it. Did a smart thing, too, if you ask me."

"Are you still seeing Jane?"

"Yeah, every once in a while. Come on, I thought you were into open relationships." He winks and tosses away the pillow. "Let's have another round."

He tosses away the blanket and I find myself shivering.