The Vagina Monologues
She's loud, she's opinionated (nothing in common with her owner, NOTHING), and now she's got a bully pulpit.

Tell me, my fellow vaginas, does size matter? No, please, don’t ask the guys whose sizes we are discussing here — their opinions are directly proportionate to their dimensions. I hope no wayward penis can hear our girls-only conversation. It’s you, my dear vaginas, who are creating all this confusion about the sizes, not them. Let’s get our act together first, so we can present a unified front to the perpetrators, pardon me, the penetrators…well, you know what I mean. Call that neighbor of yours, the clitoris, instead — we need him on this talk.

Face it, ladies; we’re all kind of the same. A vagina is a vagina is a vagina. It’s our owners who are dramatically different. After being around the block a few times and talking to many, many other vaginas in the locker rooms, I’ve come to a conclusion that women can be roughly divided into three broad categories. We’ll leave the biologically frigid ones as well as the crazy nymphomaniacs out of this though, okay? They are a tiny minority and they don’t make the weather. Let’s talk about the 95% in the middle.

A third of you belong to women who don’t care much about sex. Well, they do care, but more about the intimacy of it, the connection, the human touch. Admit it, girls, it’s the romance that gets you wet, not the actual action. Once the romance cools — not necessarily in a bad way — you lose interest. After ten years of marriage and a couple of kids you struggle to stay interested at all. Your owners have low libido, and there ain’t much anyone can do about it. Those of you who have such owners - you know who you are - tell me, do you care about penis sizes? Yes, you do. You don’t like them too big — it hurts. Other than that, it’s all about individuality, mood, setting… Your ideal penis is not large and doesn’t last long (get it over with!), but has a wonderful, romantic owner with a killer personality.

Hey, clits, are you still here? Snap to attention. Girls, are you jealous of these little fellows? (By the way, are they male or female? I suppose clits are transvestites.) Do they get all the fireworks while you feel mild pleasure at best and nothing at worst? Then your owners belong to the second group. They don’t have problems with their libido, but you, my fellow vaginas, are playing the second fiddle. You just can’t generate an orgasm. Do you care about penis sizes? Um, no. How many inches do you need to stimulate a clitoris? Methinks three-four inches will just about do it. Some women may like the look or feel of a bigger penis, but it’s not a deal breaker (and the mouth has told me the big ones are a bitch to suck).

This leaves the poor third group. Well, let me take this back. We are not poor—in fact, we are probably luckier than the rest. I am one happy vagina when I get the right penis to stimulate me. The key word here is “right.” You see, size does matter to us and it matters a great deal, especially after a couple of childbirths. Width is much more important than length, but they are usually closely related, so let’s focus on the overall size. The shape is also important — “mushrooms” are so much better than the penises tapered at the end. I see your broad vertical smiles — you know exactly what I am talking about. That ring… But I digress.

Why did I call us poor? Come on, girls, you know why. Penis sizes are not something our owners discuss on the first date, or on the third one for that matter. They don’t usually see the penis until they are in bed with no clothes on. By then it’s too late. You take one look at it and know it’s not going to work. It’ll take him at least 15 minutes to get you where a nice seven-incher would have gotten you in two. Most owners of smaller penises can’t even last long enough to give you a few good vaginal orgasms. But… your owner is not going to jump out of bed and shout, “Get out of here, Mr. Small Dick!” We don’t want to hurt their feelings, do we?

Then there are these other groups. Yes, you, don’t avert your eyes. Ooops, I am sorry, I forgot you don’t have eyes. It’s still your fault. You scream on every corner that size doesn’t matter - that it shouldn’t matter. You make us pleasure-seeking vaginas feel shallow, no pun intended. You make our owners feel shallow too. Can you just please speak for yourselves? We know what it’s like to be in a relationship with a penis that doesn’t do it for us. No matter what our owners try to tell us, no matter how nice the owner of that penis is, sooner or later we revolt. And it’s downhill from there. I don't know about you, but I hate faking orgasms. Leave it to the first group.

What’s my suggestion, you ask. It’s simple: let’s talk about it. Personality, shmersonality, but vaginas and penises (yes, clits, you too) have to live in peace. Your owners ask their potential mates what kind of music they like or where they prefer to spend vacations. Why don’t they ask about the penis size and reveal their preferences? A guy with a big dick and insatiable libido will not be happy with a girl from the first group. A small penis will not satisfy a woman from the third one. Many people think sexual compatibility is not very important as long as the heads and hearts are in agreement. They are fools. Tell them, girls.