Who's the fairest of them all?
We used to love watching beauty contests, both American and world-wide. The whole family would gather around the TV and prepare for the spectacle. Yes, the whole family--the best part of watching a beauty pageant is discussing the contestants with others.

Miss Brazil is stunning. Miss South Carolina is absolutely gorgeous. Miss Cameroon is different, but in a good way. My favorite is Miss Nevada. Mine is Miss New Zealand. Oh, come on, you can't deny that Miss Ukraine is the most beautiful here!

Wait! You've got to be kidding me! None of them made the top ten! Are the judges nuts? Are they blind? Well, I have to admit, Miss India does look great, I just didn't pay attention to her before. But Miss Croatia? Please, she's not even conventionally pretty.

She made the top five! Can you believe this? I can think of five people in my immediate surroundings who are way prettier than that chick. OK, at least she is not in the top three. They've got some sense, thank heavens. And the winner is.... Come on, please, there is only one truly beautiful woman remaining, isn't it obvious? Who is judging this thing anyway?

Too bad we didn't pay attention when the host introduced the judges. The most important part, and we didn't care. Maybe judge #1 has a thing for Asians. Judge #2 prefers slender, waif-like blonds. Judge #3 will vote for Miss Idaho no matter what, because Miss Idaho wants to fight Hodgkin's disease, and the judge's brother is dying of it. Judge #4 thinks thin women project an unhealthy image and wants the winner to have curves. The French judge doesn't like Americans. The American judge doesn't want to support Hugo Chavez and won't vote for the Venezuelan beauty. Both dislike Lukashenka's Belorussian regime. Judge #5 is an Arab and won't vote for Miss Israel. Miss Vermont said something about Muslims that was deemed somewhat politically incorrect. And Russians just nationalized a company that belonged to Donald Trump, so, naturally, the Russian girl doesn't have a chance.

Everyone thinks Miss Virginia is drop-dead gorgeous. The problem is, she is a classical Southern Belle, blond and blue-eyed, and the look is outdated. Plus, Virginia has won three contests in the last seven years. Miss Rhode Island is Hispanic, and we've never had a Hispanic Miss America before, but Rhode Island won last year. An African Miss World would be great, but the most beautiful of them is from Sudan, and the last thing we want is to encourage the Sudanese government in any way.

Classical music and ballet always score top points. Pop music and circus acts are less worthy somehow. And God help you if your talent is writing or painting. God help you also if you are not artistic at all, even if you are the most beautiful, smartest, and most caring woman in the world.

No.... No! She's the runner-up. The imbeciles! Miss World is so ... blah. There were at least ten girls at the beginning who looked better. Except, it's not about beauty after all, is it? All these judges supported their own candidates and cancelled each other out. The winner is Miss Canada--nobody has any beef against her. Maybe she was number two or three on several ballots, but all number ones were way down at the bottom of the other judges' ballots. None of it makes sense, and none ever will. At least now we have something to discuss at the water cooler the next day .

***

What kept us coming back, year after year? For starters, they did get it right occasionally. Maybe in my personal opinion Miss Brazil looked better, but there was no denying that Miss India--Miss Universe--was a world-class beauty. We were happy; our faith in the fairness of the whole process was restored. Next year, they' mangle it again.

We forgave them. We always did. The spectacle itself was worth it, and watching the prettiest girls eliminated in favor of the more plain ones was a kind of perverse fun in itself. We laughed, we jeered, we patiently waited for the next time they get it right.

One year we missed a pageant. And another one. The next year we only watched one of them. Then we stopped altogether. It had nothing to do with how superficial the whole idea was or what the bathing suit competition said about the image of women in our society. The fickleness, the unpredictability, the sheer silliness of the whole judging process grated on our nerves. We didn't want to watch the trumped-up results of some behind-the-curtain power plays and political shenanigans--we wanted an honest beauty and talent contest. We didn't get it, so we took our time and money elsewhere and switched to sports, where the better player almost always wins.

P.S. This is inspired by the writing contests I've been entering. Seems like all contests are the same...